1. Crying is annoying. Barking is annoying. Your neighbors will hate you for either and you will grow tired of both (and maybe your neighbors, too) very quickly. If you're going to do these sounds at any point in your life, endure them at the same time and get it over with.
2. With a baby, your living room floor will be littered with a pack 'n play, activity center, toys, blankets, stuffed animals, balls, random diapers, teething rings, etc. With a dog, your living room floor will be littered with a dog bed, toys, blankets, stuffed animals, balls, random towels, chew toys, etc. You're going to lose that real estate in your home anyway, so lose it at the same time. Plus some of the stuffed animals, toys, balls, and chew toys might be interchangeable between users.
3. Listening all night for the baby's breathing on the bedside baby monitor is going to keep you up anyway so you won't be bothered by the dog's movement (which causes his name, microchip and rabies tags to jingle) in the crate sitting on a bench next to your bedside (since the puppy needs to see you if he wakes up; otherwise he barks). You weren't going to sleep much anyway.
4. You're going to vacuum or sweep a lot to clean up all those Cheerios and puffy things that miss baby's mouth. You're going to vacuum or sweep a lot to clean up bits of dog food and treats that the puppy drops. Do the cleaning once. Or maybe you'll get lucky and your dog will serve as the vacuum cleaner and Hoover up whatever leftovers make it to the floor. In this way, the dog will earn his keep around your home. (My advice also is to get a hypoallergenic dog so you're not cleaning up pet fur all the time. Even if you get a Hoovering dog, he likely will not eat his own fur. If he does, you're really lucky.)
5. With a baby, especially with a small one that you pick up a lot (i.e., too much), your clean clothes will soon be covered with spit-up, sticky stuff, baby food, dried-on Cheerios, etc. With a dog, especially with a small one that you pick up a lot (i.e., too much), your clean clothes will soon be covered with dog smell, dirt, and what you tell yourself is just dirt, etc. There is no re-wearing shirts. You're going to wash your clothes. A lot. Do it once.
6. The baby is going to throw up on the carpet, sling sweet potatoes on the dining room rug, grind Puffs into the sofa. The puppy is going to slosh water out of the bowl, and he's going to urinate where he's not supposed to. You're going to use the carpet cleaner for the baby and the dog so get both beings at the same time and your carpets will be scrubbed like new by the time they're potty-trained.
7. With babies and puppies, you spend a lot of time saying (in a baby voice), "who's the cutest boy?", "good boy!", "you're so smart!", "who's Mama's best boy?", "good poop", "want to go outside for a walk?", etc. Get them both at the same time and kill a lot of birds with one stone.
8. No matter if you're at baby's play group or if you're in the park walking Fido, you will be expected to compliment the other moms' babies and dogs. No matter how poorly either behaves. No matter if you want to say "that's a face only a mother could love." No matter if there's incessant barking or crying. Phrases such as "wow, you're such a big girl for 6 months", "that haircut is soooo cute on him", "how well does she sleep at night?", "gosh, he doesn't go potty for 8 hours straight? You're so lucky!", "do you like your doctor?", etc are entirely and completely interchangeable for pets and babies so you don't have to come up with different conversations all the time. (The good news here, is that even if your puppy is the only untrained one at the park, people will still compliment you on how cute your dog is, how lively he is, what beautiful coloring he has, and what a great name he has. I know this for fact.)
9. It is apparently socially unacceptable to stumble out of the apartment into your elevator (that has people in it, dressed for professional work or for their 17-mile run to "start the day off right") at 5:00am with unbrushed hair and teeth and a pajama top hanging out from under a raincoat (when it's not raining) just because your dog woke you up to use the bathroom. However, it does appear to be socially acceptable if the baby woke you up and you're taking her outside to calm her down at that hour so others in your household can sleep in peace. People are much more sympathetic and don't look at you like you're a sociopathic loser. Get the pet when you have the baby and once again, you can kill a couple birds with one stone and look like a martyr in the process.
10. Parents of humans and canines are happy to dispense advice. I cast no aspersions for this behavior. Baby or canine parents all have surely had that wild-eyed, slightly maniacal, crazy, hysterical look that comes from too many sleepless nights or worry over sickness or behavior. Everybody's just trying to help so take the advice, try it and maybe you'll be as lucky as the parent for whom it worked and you can be thankful. And if it doesn't work, well then, you can just resent that advice-giving know-it-all who had to stick her nose into your business because what does she even know about what you're going through with her perfect little, non-carpet-peeing, sleeping-through-the-night, over-achieving bulldog?
(Excuse me.)
11. You will no longer be known by your name. Your children will be known by their names and you will simply be xxx's mom. In the last week, I've met Sebastian, Zoe, Milo, Rocco, Chloe, Sophie, Luca, Cooper, Copper and Zeus (along with about a dozen others) but I don't know any of their humans' names in much the same way I know Mac's friends and classmates by name but know only a handful of their parents by name. You'll suffer just one identity crisis if you get the baby and pet at the same time.
12. Babies and dogs are people magnets. Old people, young people, toddlers, babies in strollers, homeless people, people of all races, people who speak different languages, people you've never noticed, people you've lived in the same building with for 10 months with whom you've hardly made eye contact. Almost everybody loves a baby and a puppy. You are fair game as xxx's mom and you better be prepared for sharing the attention with baby and Fido. Defensive measures will be the same whether somebody gets too close to baby's face or their hands get too close to the clasp on Fido's leash. You envision baby- and dog-nappings since you just read dog-nappings are on the rise. Get both creatures at the same time and you can live through one intense paranoia state instead of two separate, but equally intense, ones.
And finally lucky #13. Much like everything associated with a wedding costs more because that "w" word is attached, there is a similar premium attached to anything related to baby or pet. And trust me when I tell you there are A LOT of "anythings" that baby and pet simply must have. It's questionable whether an adult will ever be able to hold her head up straight if she's not been placed for tummy time on a premium activity mat that apparently and directly stimulates the nerve endings that cause a baby to be happy on her tummy while strengthening neck muscles at the same time. Similar results will not be achieved by simply placing baby on the floor. Oh no. I believe this is fact based on truth in advertising laws. Similarly, my dog's teeth will fall out, his intestinal health is doomed, his play sensors won't develop, I'll choke him on walks, and his tender foot pads will crack if I don't buy the fancy dental products, the expensive no-byproduct/grain/filler dog food, all those stimulating toys, the harness and the paw pad protectors. It's A LOT of pressure to raise a healthy, happy, smart, well-adjusted human and canine. And I assume that's not just because I live in highly competitive Arlington. Since you're shelling out big bucks for one, you may as well shell out big bucks for the other at the same time. Two pinches hurt the same as one if administered simultaneously.
So I missed the boat on getting a dog and baby at the same time. I'm 11.75 years late on the dog. There are very good biological and sociological reasons why middle-aged women typically don't have babies. The same reasons might apply to having puppies.
#feelinglikeanoldtireddogmom
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