my huge, overgrown baby

Yesterday we took Mac for his 10 year-old well-child check-up.  Yes, we were slightly late.  Like 7 months late.  I did have several appointments scheduled with the head doctor at the health unit who's my favorite, but the appointments got cancelled because of his travel plans so I got frustrated and never rescheduled.  Until I realized that Arlington County Public Schools require a physical for admission as well as a TB test.

I have no idea why Mac is so needle-phobic but news of the pending TB test was enough to send him into a hysterical fit.

So hysterical, in fact, that he suggested I home-school him to avoid the test.

At which point I became hysterical and might have said "you will get the test if you value your life and mine."

We went yesterday afternoon and he started welling up with fearful tears before we even got called back.  Really?  I just have so little patience for this type of behavior.  I wanted to tell him that I see him rip his fingernails down to the quick and yet, he's going to cry about a little short needle that will hurt for really no more than 2 seconds?  Really?

To make matters worse, I told Jimmy he had to be at this doctor's appointment.  I'd already sat through Mac's TB test two years ago and the memory was burned on the deep, never-to-be-forgotten recesses of my mind, where it'll come forward one day when I'm old and senile and can only remember things from the distant past.  Jimmy had a final work trip but assured me he would land by 2 at the latest, giving him plenty of time to get to the embassy before the 3:30 appointment.

3:30 came and went.  About 3:40, we were called back and still no Jimmy.  Mac lounged on the examination table like he'd been shot.  They did all the vitals and his BP was high, which the nurse and I chalked up to his paralyzing fear of the stupid TB test.

Finally Jimmy arrived and boy howdy, was he sorry he did!  The doctor came in, did her examination, and then we got down to the fun stuff.

Mac went apoplectic.  He begged the nurse not to do it, he cried fitfully, he thrashed about.  He pleaded with the nurse in Spanish, he flailed his body about, he struggled against Jimmy holding him.  He asked to be put to sleep.  For a TB test.

It was honestly the most embarrassing thing in the parenting world.  Jimmy and I tried to reason with him in calm, soothing tones.  We told him to take deep yoga cleansing breaths.  We begged him to calm down.

And then we got mad.  And I mean really mad.  We threatened to take away the tv, his iPad, all video games, anything fun that he could even dream of doing away for a month. For a year. For his life.

Nothing worked.

The nurse tried pleading with him.  Jimmy and I offered to get the TB test as well.  The nurse said she'd give it to us as soon as Mac went first.  He refused.

This went on for a good 15 minutes, which can seem like 27 hours when in the moment.

It was horrible. And embarrassing.  And I'm sure everybody from the nurses and doctor to any other patients in the back area heard us all screaming at each other.

The nurse left for us to try and calm him down.

And by "calm him down", I mean we may have threatened him if he didn't cooperate.  It's simple laws of deduction.  If you want to go to school, you have to have this test.  If you want to play sports, you have to go to school and therefore you have to have this test.  If you don't want to go to jail for truancy (I told him he'd go to jail, not me), you must go to school and therefore you must take this test.  Simple, right?

Finally, we called the nurse back in, she did the test quickly and within 4 seconds of administering the test, he was laughing and joking around.  I was furious.  We made him apologize to the nurse for wasting her time and acting like a baby.  She asked him what the pain was on a scale from 1 to 10 and he answered 2.  I really could have throttled him then.

For the record, he measured in at 5'1" and 78 pounds.  He's nothing but a huge, overgrown baby who has lost use of his iPad for awhile.