things that make a perfect vacation seem like it never happened

1. 5am wake-up call at airport hotel

2. 5:15am begging and pleading with a 7 year-old to get up and get dressed

3. 5:35am check-out at said hotel, 5 minutes ahead of scheduled shuttle to airport, only to find out shuttle is running late

4. dreaded 6am arrival at Delta check-in counter (read earlier post on my current feelings about Delta check-in agents)

5. 6:05am discussion with Delta man (while still in line) about the toy bow Mac bought at Warwick Castle. It was too big to fit in a suitcase so I intended to carry it on the plane. It's wood and string. The arrows, which have a suction cup tip, were packed in the suitcase. It is clearly not a weapon of mass destruction. After conferring with all Delta agents on duty at 6:05am, Delta man decided Delta would allow me to take it as long as the airport security people let it through.

6. 6:10am -still in line waiting to check in when some overly cheerful Delta man with a ponytail comes through the line telling people that the only carry-on baggage allowed is a handbag or briefcase. This means that all the stuff I'd packed in the little wheeled suitcase had to be stuffed into my bag. Epi-Pens, fever medicine, allergy medicine, wet wipes, kleenexes, that handblown (breakable) Christmas ornament we bought in Cirencester, etc. All put into what became a VERY heavy carry-on bag. But not to worry - they'd allow me to check that carry-on suitcase for free. Which just shows how much excess baggage room they must always have if they were able to suddenly take a couple hundred extra carry-on bags. But I'm glad they got their $50 for the 13 pounds extra I carried on the way over.

7. 6:20am meeting with the British version of the surly Delta agent we have come to know and love (?). This woman was a piece of work. I had one suitcase that was 2 pounds over (but another that was 10 pounds under) and she made me move 2 pounds from one case to another. Okay. I asked her why the check-in bag policy change had not been announced on the website. She said that the policy changes happen so quickly that they can't keep up with announcing these things on their website. W-H-A-T? (For the record, I have just checked the Delta website and there is still no mention of this policy from Europe.)

8. 6:30am run-in with British version of TSA guy who tells me under no circumstances will the bow be allowed past security.

9. 6:33am - we go back to Delta to ask if they'll stick a luggage label on the bow and send it Charleston. I'm told by yet another Delta agent that because I've already checked my luggage, no. I tell her in my most upset voice to just throw it away then and we walk off.

10. I really dislike Delta more than you can imagine by this point and vow to not use them again if I can help it. We have used Delta as exclusively as possible for the last decade (to the point of fighting the US Government to fly Delta instead of other US carriers), but no more.

11. 6:45am - we are through security and enjoying a lovely cappucino which is really the higlight of the entire day.

12. 7am - we head to our airport gate even though the flight isn't scheduled to leave until 9:15am. When we arrive at the gate, there is already a line. Why? Oh, because they're patting down everybody. That's right. So we wait and wait and wait. Mac will hopefully be empathetic one day when his wife has to wait in much longer bathroom lines than he does. There were far fewer men on the flight than women so they were all called up as soon as they got in the queue. When we finally got near the front of the line, the irony of this security debacle unfolded. As they were patting down everybody, going through every single thing in handbags and briefcases (down to opening up wallets), there was a full-length fur coat laying over the railing at the start of the line. As the line moved forward, nobody claimed the coat. Finally the coat was brought to the attention of the head screener, who started asking around if the coat was anybody's. Now what I love is that you hear these public announcements in the airport every 3 minutes that say "keep your personal belongings with you at all times" and to "report any suspicious items", but when a personal belonging is left unattended not five feet from the security person, they miss it. They were so busy checking to make sure you didn't have explosives sewn in your underwear that they really missed the forest for the trees.

13. 10am - we finally take off (a little late but not as late as I expected) and surprisingly, the Delta flight attendants are as friendly as they can be. It used to be that we could count on the attendants to be the surliest people in the whole experience, but Delta seems to have told the flight attendants to take their happy pills and to share the ugly pills with everybody else.

14. 9 hours and 2 minutes later, we land in Atlanta. Mac never shuts his eyes to nap nor does he get up to use the bathroom. I decide he's part camel. We watch movie after movie and eat when we're offered food.

15. Back on American terra firma, we make record time going through Immigration, only to wait and wait and wait for our bags. With bags finally in hand, we go through Customs, recheck our bags, and go through security once again. We share a snack of Gardetto's Chex Mix and a Coke (and a smile) and board the plane for Charleston.

16. 6:10pm - we land in Charleston on an uneventful flight. Mac naturally falls asleep 5 minutes before landing. We get three of our four checked bags.

17. 7pm - We get in the line to file a claim for the missing bag. I take note of one angry customer whose bags are missing and how the Delta woman is basically ignoring her and the other customer, a very nice young man who's pleasant and clearly vying for Mr. Congeniality and how the Delta woman is being so nice to him. I decide to assume the latter role. When it's finally my turn, I turn on my uber-polite charm, she enters something in the computer and tells me that my bag is already loaded on the next flight that's coming to Charleston and that the bag will be delivered later that night. Since the bag actually was delivered last night, I can now tell you that it was nice that it was "lost" temporarily because Mac has a hard time pulling two suitcases and he would have had to pull two all the way out to the parking lot had they all come.

18. 8pm - After going through the Chick-Fil-A drive-through for dinner, we arrive home. Mac is sound asleep and doesn't want to get out of the car.

19. 9:30pm - The missing bag is delivered.

20. 9:55pm - after a shower and reading about 2 paragraphs of The Hemingses of Monticello, I zonk out.

After a day that started at 12am EST, it was a long 22-hour day. Mac and I have decided we're not traveling anywhere that requires an airplane anytime soon!